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She doesn’t do stairs: Divas delight and disturb
Thursday, 23 February 2012
ImageBy Lisa VanDyke-Brown
Greetings! First and foremost, I’d like to make sure you know that when I poked fun at Whitney Houston in the last issue, she was still alive. Her sad death occurred two days after the issue hit stands, so no hate mail, please. I love Whitney just as much as you do. In fact, I’m dedicating this column to her.

In loving memory of Ms. Whitney Elizabeth Houston, let’s pay tribute to some of music’s most fabulous divas. Sometimes, their antics are so inappropriate that we want to hunt them down, use The Force to bypass security, grab the diva and give her a good ol’ fashioned spanking, because somebody should’ve done it a long time ago. Instead, we simply shake our heads and blame it on “divadom”.

ImageWithout further ado, Fabü presents the Whitney Houston Memorial Diva Roster. Divas are listed in random order, but I’m sure that won’t stop Madonna from sending her flying monkeys after me for giving her the fourth position. Bring it, Madge! Oops, typo. Correction: Sing it, Madge!

Mariah Carey:
She has five Grammys and more number one U.S. pop hits than anyone but the Beatles. Her hotel demands include two bottles of Cristal champagne, one box of bendy straws and male-only attendants. She once had a $10,000 antique table flown in for an autograph signing. She doesn’t do stairs.

Cher: She’s come a long way since her Sonny days. This accomplished and much-adored singer/actress has a mantle filled with diverse awards, including a Grammy, Oscar and Emmy award. The top reason why Cher is among my fave divas: she requires a wig room at her shows. That’s it. I’m done. Cher rules.

Aretha Franklin:
All hail the Queen of Soul! An incredibly gifted vocalist, songwriter and pianist, ReeRee has 20 Grammy awards. Helloooo? In 1987, she became the first female artist to enter the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She charges $25,000 cash up-front upon arrival at every show. The Motown diva also insists that any hotel room she stays in must not be above the fifth floor.

Madonna: The material girl’s feats in the Guinness World Records book include “The Most Successful Female Artist of All Time” and “The Most Costume Changes in a Film” (more than 300 for Evita). A Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee, Madge demands a brand new toilet seat at every concert, and then it’s destroyed after she leaves. She also demands 20 cases of Kabbalah water, white drapes and white roses.

Maria Callas: Known as the high priestess of Italian opera, the great soprano was a quintessential diva, even being nicknamed “La Divina.” Over time, her opera scandals (including clandestine affairs, temperamental behavior and bouts of seclusion) overshadowed her artistic achievements.

Jennifer Lopez:  Among this diva’s list of demands: a coat-carrier and personal eyebrow specialist. The temperature of her dressing room must be exactly 25.5 degrees Celsius. OK, enough. Where are the big awards, Jen? Just saying’.

Diana Ross: Supreme diva! She demands to be called Miss Ross and insists on no eye contact from backstage minions. The Tony Award winner was the first female solo artist in the U.S. to release six number one pop singles. It’s claimed she once hit an airline worker with a hat box containing a small dog. Reportedly, she wasn’t aware the dog was in the box. 

Elton John: Outlandish demands? Rage explosions? Ultra-catty quotes? If you really want to see divadom up close and personal, rent Sir Elton’s 1997 documentary, Tantrums and Tiaras. Flower-bearing fans, be warned: the Rocket Man won’t tolerate chrysanthemums, lilies, carnations or daisies.

Barbra Streisand: Vocalist, actress, director … Babs does it all. She’s won nine Grammys, two Oscars and four Emmys. She has released 29 top 10 albums (the most by any female recording artist), 50 of which are certified gold. She once demanded staff at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas to enter and leave her room backwards.

Whitney Houston:
Her 1985 album was the best-selling debut album by a female artist. Her second album was the first by a female artist to debut at the top of the album chart. She was the first artist ever to release seven consecutive number one singles. She was everybody’s diva and will be dearly missed. We love you, Whitney. May the other side bring you the peace you weren’t able to find here.

In the name of the Whitney, the Bobby and the Bobbi Kristina, be good to yourself, dahling.
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